30 Things I’ve Learned in as Many Years

At the end of this month, I turn 30. I’m not going to be cute about it, mostly because I don’t have the energy. But also because I don’t find it very cute.

Maybe, if you’re reading this and you are already in your 30s (or past them), you will find my deep existential malaise over this particular birthday either familiar or over-the-top or both. I guess before I go on, I’d like to confirm that I also find it to be all of these things, and more. But it’s true that I’m not ashamed of feeling this way. Turning 30 is a big deal in our society; at least, a lot of the cultural and social cues of the past few decades have indicated it as so. And whether the 30th birthday is significant on its own merit, or whether that significance is born from these cultural and social indications (or, of course, some kind of messy amalgamation of the two plus whatever else)... can we at least agree that, yeah, there is something seemingly big about the transition from your 20s into a new decade, maybe even bigger than any other decade-to-decade transition past the 30s?

Perhaps I will return to this question on the eve of my 40th birthday, but for now my 30th is looming and – though hard to admit for reasons I’ll get into – it’s the first birthday I’ve felt, actually felt, that I am, indeed, an adult. Obviously not a kid, but not-so-obviously not a young adult, either. I’m leaving my 20s behind and I no longer have the excuse of my 20s for not having gotten my shit together yet. It’s painful to cop to, but I’ve been leaning on that excuse for a while now (even if just subconsciously) and, well, y’all…I’m low-key running out of time.

At least, that’s what it feels like even if (rationally) I know it’s not true*. 

Look, I’m a millennial. Not only that, but I’m a queer millennial. My 30s were always going to look different from the status quo insofar as money, marriage, and mortgages are concerned. I’d really love to devote a whole blog post to this idea of queer-millennial crossover because it definitely deserves its own deep dive. For instance: how am I and my peers supposed to measure our adulthoods when we’re borrowing a template from our parents, one on which the once-predictable indicators of success — like home buying and kid rearing — are slipping further and further out of reach due, in no small part, from systemic issues inherited from said parents (or at least the generation to which they belong)? If I can’t afford to buy a home at 30 because of inflation, exorbitant student debt, low wages, high-cost health care…how am I supposed to know I’ve grown up? If I don’t have kids of my own, how can I determine a sense of self worth and maturity that matches societal expectations? Am I doomed to being Peter Pan in this new decade of mine, just as much as I’m doomed to looking like him? Is 40 the new 30? Even if, hypothetically, I could financially support a kid**, am I somehow less of an adult if I don’t decide to have one? 

Obviously the answer to all of these questions is some variation of: no, Sam, of course not. Life is nuanced and age is but a number. Nothing is real and nobody matters. Blah blah blah.

And, yeah, of course there isn’t one path forward. But — maybe even if just in our most scared and insecure moments — doesn’t it sort of feel that way? 

So, in lieu of (or maybe in direct resistance to) the standard societal markers of 30-dom, I thought it would be fun – at least for me – to craft a list of some of the life wisdom I’ve managed to accrue in my nearing three decades here on earth. I may not have a marriage, or a house, or a kid, or a novel (working on it), or [insert basic expectation here], but I do have some free time, an urge to share, and a blog of my own. 

Dear reader, here are 30 things I’ve learned about myself in as many years***:

1). It took me a lot of time, but I’m sincerely grateful to be queer and feel lucky to have this experience despite its hardships. I didn’t choose it, but if I could then I would.

2). Falling in love is not the only type of way to experience love, but it sure is fun to do.

3). I have a lot in my life for which to be grateful. The older I get, the more I see this truth. 

4). I’m anti-capitalist. I find it hard to reconcile this with living in a capitalist society and sometimes benefiting from my position in said society, but I truly believe a system based on the exploitation of others is doomed to fail. Plus, I hate seeing human life treated as commodity, especially when it comes to housing and health care.

5). Siblings can be so, so important. I’m lucky to have two really good ones.

6). I like cats better than dogs. And I always have. 

7). Emotional regulation is important and vital, but it’s okay if trauma has stunted its development. What’s not okay is leaning on this excuse into adulthood without taking responsibility and doing the work to be a better person. At a certain point, you have to own your feelings and actions. But that doesn’t mean you can’t also be kind and gentle to yourself throughout this re-learning process.

8). Life is one big re-learning process! 

9). I am more than my mistakes. I’m also more than my job or productivity output. So are you!

10). Confrontation is hard for me to face. I’m often passive in situations when speaking up or doing something would ultimately lead to a better outcome. But having hard conversations is usually worth the discomfort felt during them. Communication really is such an important tool, and most people aren’t good at using it. Including me sometimes.

11). I actually am a slightly picky eater. 

12). I’m grateful for my health. I promise never to take it for granted. I love my body and what it can do for me. 

13). Friendship is a relationship constantly in flux, even if it doesn’t seem that way. Friendships have the capacity to change and evolve, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. 

14). I have some great friends, but I haven’t always been a great friend. 

15). I hold myself to high standards. 

16). I think I’m meant to make films; I just don’t have the knowledge or equipment yet to find out.

17). I really miss my mom and wish she could know the person I am now. I wish I had been more patient with her when she was alive. 

18). I believe people can change, but it’s often hard to do. But maybe I believe this because I desperately want it to be true for myself.

19). Lol, I’d like to think I’m a pretty self-aware person but maybe I’m wrong! You tell me. 

20). My favorite show is Halt and Catch Fire and I recommend everyone watch it. Just get past season one, and I swear you won’t regret it.

21). I believe Kristen Stewart is the best actress of her generation and if you disagree, please let me have a KStew movie marathon sometime with you. At the very least, watch Personal Shopper and Spencer before you settle on your final decision. And honestly, the Twilight Series – movies, not books – is actually delightfully fun and campy. You can’t change my mind.

22). My favorite book remains the same from when I was about 11 years old, and that is Walk Two Moons by Sharon Creech. 

23). I care about how I look, but the older I get, the less I care about it. I’ve finally accepted that I’m cute in my own, shaggy-haired way. Also, it doesn’t really matter. Feeling good, both physically and emotionally, is much more important to me. I’m grateful for this shift in perspective and hope my 30s keep providing me more of the same.

24). I would love to own a house but I know that, realistically, it’s probably not going to happen, at least not for a long time. 

25). I am addicted to my phone and I don’t like that I am.

26). If I could choose one thing to be really good at – like professionally good at – it would be running.

27). I can’t cook – well, I’m learning to cook, but I’m not very good at it and it’s a source of deep insecurity.

28). Being kind is one of the easiest ways to give back to the world.

29). I think orange may be my favorite color, despite thinking it blue for the majority of my life.

30). I’m not above a good, old-fashioned cliche…and I know I still have a lot to learn about life, and my place in it, and that won’t stop until I do.

Thanks, as always, for reading.

X,

Sam

Notes:

*Well, barring some kind of accident, etc. Life is fragile and I’m not going to pretend that I’m outside the realm of unforeseen tragedy even if I don’t actively think about it all the time. That said, knock on wood.

**Keeping in mind this would include fertility treatments of some kind and/or expensive adoption costs (regardless if I parent alone or with a partner). American society as of now still favors a heteronormative, nuclear family despite big strides for the queer community in the last couple decades.

***In no particular order.